This blog is going to be about my experience as an streamer.
First of all I would like to say that I am currently taking a long break from streaming. In fact, due to work and studies I haven’t been able to since last summer 2020. A part of that, streaming has been an overwhelming experience, both positive and negative. Of course, there is more positive than negative, but I want to focus a little bit more on the negative and how that made me discover more about myself. Eventually learn more about myself. In addition to thar, the positive sides came after learning. Redundant, isn’t it? Hehe.
When I first started I did it because of the money. I know, it sounds terrible, but at that time I didn’t know if I was going to find a job and I was worried so I thought it was a good idea. I never stopped searching for a job, but still starting all this for the sake of money isn’t really clever IF you don’t have a plan. And if you start believing is going to be easy, because you see the successful streamers, without considering how long and hard they been working, then you are destined to fail. Plus, there is so much competition on any streaming platform that you end up doing exactly what others are doing, so originality is hard to craft and find. Let’s go by parts:
- Originality: as I mentioned before, being original is hard because you want to succee fast as others, so you end up copying others “formulas” (designs, gadgets, even the way you present yourself, etc.) and you think you will become popular the same way and at the same speed. NO. I was trying to find a shortcut all the time. Not to mention (well, yes) what I like other people like too, so in a sense I was streaming the same content as other thousand streamers. Therefor the “key” to get more attention resides heavely on your personality. In my case, I deal with the fact that I am shy even though I love speaking with new people, or rather listen to them; and also I love entertaining. As someone who has danced and perfomed in the past and has loved it so much, I found myself contradicted and shocked. I didn’t think streaming woul be difficult. But is not the same preparing for months with the help of your dance teacher to perform for an even and audience than prepare all your content on your own.
- Jealousy: Yes, I felt jealous from others, liked them or not. Not only was I jealous, but selfish, greedy and maybe a little be narcissistic. I was comparing myself to thers and to people that I actually liked I was starting to be less truthful (?) and eventually started interacting less and less. Now, the people I wasn’t really vibing with is not like I disliked them but more like their values and ways of doing things were not aligning with mine (the ‘follow per follow’ practice, for example) so that also makes me an hypocrite. Isn’t that ugly? I couldn’t see my own mistakes. I was always expecting something from others and I thought also others were expecting something in return from me. I became so upset with myself.
“Comparision is the theft of joy”
- Put in the work: All my energy went wasted beating myself and minding other people’s business. Because of that, I never improved much and eventually got nothing DONE. And I could blame other factors as much as I want, but that wouldn’t fix my lack of discipline and responsability, which again, leads to NOTHING. At the end is all on me.
And yes, motivation is not something you always have, but I learnt that I can go on my own speed, my way. Again, redundant and obvious. But sometimes you need to be reminded of basic things like this to slow down. So I needed to relearn again that I don’t need to rush for the sake of being in the same level as others. I wass too focused in this vicious circle that I couldn’t really appreciate the support I was getting so far and I want to deeply apologize for that. I was disrespectful and ungrateful. Eventually I felt I didn’t deserve that support and vanished. I was so mad at myself. I literally didn’t like ME. But I am also very grateful for the people that helped me, adviced me, supported me and cheered me up.
“Only the people that do less than you, critize”.
- Self-steem. A lot of times, when I was streaming, I would be worried for things like: the camera to show myself, and if I was showing myself I was worrying if I looked good enough, putting makeup or not, being well dressed or not, may hair, the way my voice sounds, my natural reactions to what I was doing both in games and cooking streams. I would worry for the way I speak, my humor or my intelligence and if people would find me interesting. I also would panic to think about people seeing my flaws and being criticized. It was like my mind was all over the place. In a sense you want the stream to be spontaneous, but at the same time you need to keep some profesinalism if you want it to work. You need to take care of your mental health. In a sense all this sounds like I am and was very hard on myself, but I been so impatient that I wasn’t enjoying the journey of building something I want.
I had to step away and reflect on myself and I am happy that I could see that part of me that isn’t that pretty, not just because this experience but also everything I been dealing in my life. I am a work in process but acknowledging all this lifted a weight from my shoulders and I been feeling better. Specially during 2020, which was a year full of emotional roller coasters for everybody. That humbled me.
During last year I was wondering about how others streamers felt and if they would talk about it, if they have experienced the same. Maybe some did, maybe some don’t or didn’t, maybe some are about to experience it. I wish we could talk about these kind of things, but I know is easier said than done. I know others go through a lot of stuff too.
In our era, we only show the end results, the good side, what is nice, but very little do we show the every step we take to get to the goal we set.
BREATH. ONE STEP AT TIME. EVERYTHING WIL BE ALRIGHT.
Lastly but very important: THANK YOU FOR READING, FOR LISTENING AND FOR BEING HERE. I hope this topic was of your interest and that any thoughts you would have about this and if you would like to share, are very welcomed and appreciated.
Jojo.
My photos and other arts. 